Q: Sugar – Why is it that men cannot create lists of what needs to be done around the house and then prioritize?

The truth is men keep a list of priorities of things to do around the house in their heads at all times. Unfortunately for women, a man’s priorities don’t tend to align with yours. Such as:

To-Do

• Drink beer.
• Play video games.
• Watch sports.
• Use a chainsaw.
• Fortify the house in case of a zombie attack.
• Scratch his nuts.
• Boobs.
• Get a blowjob while watching TV.
• Watch Internet porn if you say “no” to the blow job because we haven’t done the laundry/dishes/what-the-fuck-ever.

Do you think we’ll forget something? Did you read this list?

Of course, this is the only time you’ll see this list down on paper for two reasons: 1) unless we’re planning to explode lots of shit in a different country, a man’s organizational skills are a fucking disaster compared to a woman’s, and 2) you scare the hell out of us. If you don’t think your man’s worried you’ll kill him in his sleep, you’re even crazier than we think you are.

Q: Kristi – why can't they say sorry?*

A: I don’t mean to sound like a jerk, but the answer is simple – we’re not sorry. Unless a guy runs a truckload of orphans/nuns/strippers off the road because we were distracted by MWD (masturbating while driving), he’s never truly sorry. To feel sorry for something we’ve done means what we’ve done is in some way wrong. And as you damn well know, we never think we’re wrong – even when we are. When it comes to acting thoughtfully, guys usually rank somewhere below a wildebeest. Sure, sometimes we act on long thought out plans (like the time I broke up with a girl in college by giving her a douche wrapped like a Valentine’s Day present), but most of the time a guy does something just because it seems like a good idea. Admittedly these are usually not good ideas, but am I sorry? Nope. Fuck it. It’s over. I’m going for a beer.

*For the record, guys say they’re sorry a lot, we just don’t mean it. If you hear a guy say, “I’m sorry,” he’s either horny, hungry, or wants to be left alone.

Q: Amysue – When given tasks/chores to do around the house, why do they always act like they have no idea how to accomplish them without step-by-step instructions?

A: Amysue, we act like we don’t know how to load a dishwasher, or properly fold a shirt, for one perfectly good reason. We don’t care. When it comes to chores a guy will mow the yard, change the oil in the car, beat the shit out of stuff with a hammer, and chop down a tree because these things are fun. You think I don’t know how to load a fucking dishwasher? Have you ever seen me play Tetris? I can load a dishwasher and get the high score. I can fold a shirt that will make a drill sergeant cry like a hooker on Dr. Phil. I can even bake a cake in the shape of Pikachu giving Ronald McDonald a handjob. I have no idea why this would happen in real life, but I CAN bake that cake and it will be fucking delicious.* However, none of these chores are as important as shooting zombies on Xbox or watching the ball game. We act like we're stupid because, 1) we figure you’ll just get frustrated looking at our glazed eyes and do it yourself, or 2) we’ll follow your detailed list, still mess it up and you’ll realize we’re too incompetent to ever trust with that chore again. Either way, we win. To an average guy, happily doing “tasks/chores” around the house is equivalent to you sitting quietly in a fishing boat all day drinking whisky and occasionally pooping over the side. By the way, if you actually like doing that, we should probably get married.

* Truth is, I did make that cake, and when other parents at little Timmy’s birthday party acted all pissed off, I just asked if they want more cake, maybe the piece with Ronald McDonald's O-face on it? Sorry, I got off topic. I could write an entire book about handjob cakes.