A. Let’s view this issue through the lens of a Saturday afternoon network nature program.
Ian, a British man in khakis, walks in front of a camera: “We’re here in the wilds of the great suburban sprawl in search of the elusive Subtle Hint Male. Walk with me now as I venture into the beer-filled, first-person-shooter game habitat of this most rare of beasts.”
The camera crew enters a split-level home decorated in earth tones and reproductions of paintings normal Americans could never afford. A man in a T-shirt sits on the couch watching “The Predator.”
Woman (wearing less than a stripper, slides next to the man and says softly): “Hi, honey. Whatcha doin’?”
Ian (whispers to the camera): “Carefully watch as the female of the species attempts to engage her mate with nonsensical sounds. This is a ploy to divert his attention from an important how-to video to something she considers much more interesting, her breasts. This is called ‘presenting.’ What the female fails to realize is that the male is engrossed in a study of how to defeat the Predator. He is learning a skill essential to protecting himself as well as his mate.”
Man: “Yeah?”
Ian (voiceover): “When attracted by outside stimuli short of nachos, the male of the species is always slow to respond.”
Woman: “I asked what you were doing.”
Man (through a handful of pork rinds): “Watchin’ a movie.”
Ian (voiceover): “This is classic male behavior. Whether it’s protecting the family, securing food, or playing with his penis, a man’s attention is almost impossible to divert when set on its chosen path.”
Woman (seductively licks the tip of her index finger and slowly slides it between her breasts): “I know something better you can watch.”
Man (never turning his head): “Yeah, I know. ‘AVP’ is up next. You wanna call in a pizza?”
Ian (facing the camera): “Sadly, when it comes to anything less subtle than a knee to the groin, the human male is essentially stupid. The search for the Subtle Hint Male continues. Tune in next week as we travel to exotic landscapes of Detroit.”
Does this sound familiar? Come on; look at your guy. He’s sitting on the couch right now, isn’t he? Drinking a beer maybe? Watching WWE in his underwear? I dare you to say something like, “You know how you like Bloomin Onions? I do, too. They have them at Outback Steakhouse. And you know what? Outback’s still open. How about that?” Does he move, or does he mumbled something and scratch his ass? Don’t lie; he mumbled and scratched his ass.
Average Guy Tip Number 415: If you want a guy to do something, just fucking ask.
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