Q: Kristi – why can't they say sorry?*

A: I don’t mean to sound like a jerk, but the answer is simple – we’re not sorry. Unless a guy runs a truckload of orphans/nuns/strippers off the road because we were distracted by MWD (masturbating while driving), he’s never truly sorry. To feel sorry for something we’ve done means what we’ve done is in some way wrong. And as you damn well know, we never think we’re wrong – even when we are. When it comes to acting thoughtfully, guys usually rank somewhere below a wildebeest. Sure, sometimes we act on long thought out plans (like the time I broke up with a girl in college by giving her a douche wrapped like a Valentine’s Day present), but most of the time a guy does something just because it seems like a good idea. Admittedly these are usually not good ideas, but am I sorry? Nope. Fuck it. It’s over. I’m going for a beer.

*For the record, guys say they’re sorry a lot, we just don’t mean it. If you hear a guy say, “I’m sorry,” he’s either horny, hungry, or wants to be left alone.